It was dark for a very long time. By now I had been wondering whether I was dead or not. I wouldn't know though. No one knows what it's like to die. I hoped I would find out soon. I didn't like waiting for answers. I'd appreciate it if I at least got a sign, even if it wasn't a big one. I'd be able to figure it out.
Seconds passed, now minutes. I began hearing voices. Slowly but surely, I got my answer. My eyelids opened but I squinted because once again the light was blinding me. I didn't talk, only listened. I turned my head weakly towards the voices I was hearing. Then, all feeling of my body came back to me at once. I felt bandages covering my skin. One was around my forehead and nearly every part of me that was below my neck was wrapped up. A sharp pain rose on my side and the slightest movement would feel like I was getting stabbed again. I winced a little but made very little sound doing so. The people had to have noticed me awaken by now since they were right next to my bed. I was correct about that.
"Hey, look," one of them pointed at me. I assumed this was the doctor because he was wearing all white. The other one I didn't recognize at all. Maybe if I waited for my eyes to get used to the light I would be able to tell.
"(f/n)?" the unknown man called out. He knows my name so I must know who he is.
I blinked a couple times and the blurriness in my vision began to clear up. I guess there was just something in my eyes. It was painful, but I brought my arms up and wiped my eyes. Like usual, I didn't say anything. I just sat there wondering how I survived what I went through. I wanted to die. If only they knew that. But if I told them that they'd think I'm crazy. They wouldn't take me seriously either. They wouldn't let me die no matter what. Then I noticed one thing. My father wasn't here. No surprise there. I bet he wished I was dead too.
"Poor girl, she doesn't have relatives to care for her," I heard. "We had someone go to her father's address, but he said he doesn't know the girl. Never seen her in his life, he said. If that really was her dad then it's obvious he doesn't want her anymore. But she has nowhere else to go."
Well that was just fucking brilliant. No home to return to, no clothes, no food, no nothing. I would be better off dead now for sure. I hate people. I hate everyone. They're all the same. Every single one of them.
"I hope we can arrange something for her. Do you have any ideas where she can go, officer?" the doctor asked.
"Well, she is of age to live on her own. But in her condition she'd need someone to look after her," the other man replied.
So I learned something about this other man. He's a cop. I don't know any cops. I do recall seeing a cop car pass by on the street by the park though whenever I was there. But still, I have no idea who he is. I had to talk now.
"Hey..." I spoke, a bit dry in my throat. I'm not used to talking to anyone so this felt weird.
"Hmm?" they both turned to face me.
"Why am I still alive?" I asked. I truly wished I could kill myself right now.
The doctor and the policeman exchanged looks and sighed.
"Because I saved your life (f/n). You were very badly injured," the cop answered with a slight smile.
"Why did you save me?" I hoped I sounded as depressed as I felt.
The policeman's smile was replaced with a worried expression. "It's part of what I do as a policeman."
I kept quiet and looked at the doctor. He was also giving me a worried look. It was strange how it was now that people cared about me. Usually I would just be left alone to my own business. I closed my eyes for a bit.
"You should've left me there to die," I sighed. "I would be freed from the hell I've been living in every day of my life. That address you went to earlier. That was my dad. I hate him, he hates me. My mom died because of me and now I'm all alone in this world. Death would be my savior."
"(f/n)..." the officer seemed very concerned for me as if he knew me for a long time. "You're talking nonsense. There has to be something out there to live for."
"There's not and there never will be. I'm an outcast and all I ever do is cause trouble for everyone who gets involved with me," I gritted my teeth and forced myself to turn and face away from him. "What's your name, officer?"
"It's Arthur. Arthur Kirkland. Why do you ask?" he wondered.
"It's only fair for me to know your name since you know mine...," I felt myself narrow my eyebrows and I shifted back over to face him, observing his features in the least obvious way possible. "Aren't you a bit young to be a cop?"
"I guess you can view it that way. You're eighteen right? Well I'm not that far off actually. Young enough to say we could be friends," he nervously answered.
"Arthur..." I sighed. "Why are you here?"
"Excuse me?" he cleared his throat.
"I know you didn't just come here to see how I was doing," I gave him a glare.
Arthur exhaled before answering. He had explained to me about how we was also here to ask me about what happened the other day when I was nearly killed. Oh how I wish that could've been the case but there must be some reason I was kept here to live, right? For fifteen painful minutes I told him everything I could remember. I answered any questions thrown at me and hoped I could be alone soon and shut out the entire world from my life.
"I know it's none of my business, but may I ask why you didn't fight back? Besides wanting to die..." he looked down.
"I hate violence. Ir's what caused my mother to die four years ago. She..." whenever I think about my mom I cry. "She really loved me no matter what I did. If I caused trouble, if I did something bad....she'd only hug me and tell me how much she cared about me. Never did I hear her say anything bad towards me."
"I'm really sorry to hear that. Earlier, you said she died because of you. What happened?" he seemed to be interested with my little story. It was hard to tell him, because it only made me feel worse. The tears never stopped.
"If I never saved a kid from being bullied, she would still be alive. She tried to save me and they shot her...a bullet to the head and she was erased from my life," I sobbed. "She was the only person that I ever cared about and the only person I loved."
"It must've been very hard for you. Is that why you've been sitting alone in the park and on the streets?" he knew more about me than I thought. It was a little creepy. But then again he's a cop. He can find this out easily.
"Mostly. My dad...he blames me for my mom's death. Now I do too. I used to avoid thinking that but I know it's true. He would literally beat me because of it," I've said too much. My emotions took over.
"(f/n)...it's not your fault that your mother was killed. Know that she died with meaning. She loved you very much and she risked her life to save yours. To her, you were very important, so I ask you to stop thinking you were the reason for her death," out of all the people in the world, he was the only one who got through to me. Why him?
I wiped my eyes, and for once in years I think I smiled. It was weird. I didn't understand what it was he said that made me smile, but maybe staying alive for a little longer wouldn't hurt. I was only a bit thankful for what he's done for me just now. He's the second person to have cared about me in my lifetime.
"Thanks Arthur. It means a lot, but it doesn't change my mind about wanting to die. What you've said to me today isn't quite enough. I'm sorry..." I closed my eyes, beginning to feel tiredness sweep over me. What time was it anyways? "Can you tell me the time?"
Arthur looked at his wristwatch. "Oh wow...it's almost ten pm. How did we end up talking all day? That's strange, don't you think? I should probably get going. It's really late. You wouldn't mind if I came by to visit you every now and then, would you?"
"Hah! To interrogate me some more?" I said a bit sarcastically. "Try to find a good reason for me to live while you're at it then."
Today didn't go completely as I had expected. First thing I hear when (f/n) wakes up is about how she wants to die. I knew that there really must be some way to talk her out of it. If that doesn't work then maybe when she can leave the hospital I can show her a ton of things worth living for. Or help her find her own reason to stay alive. But knowing how she feels now, she'll be a tough nut to crack.
I was on my way home, my thoughts always wandering back to her. It was strange, like something about her was calling out to me for help. I'm not one to be rude, because I'm a gentlemen. I felt I had to do something to help her out, even if she didn't want it. She's not much of a people person, nor is she like one of those average young women out there. She was different. As I pulled my car into my driveway I shook the thoughts out of my head before heading inside for a good night's sleep. When would I see her next?